I just had the urge to cut myself. Again. It came from nowhere and now here we are. Again.

The urge has now passed and I am merely reflecting on things when something occurs to me: I do it every day. How? you ask. Self-destructive habits.

I have three self-destructive habits that are a part of my daily routine, almost. They are dealt with and encountered and fostered every single day.

1.) The smallest of the habits is that I pick at my feet. It’s weird, I know, but I do. I have developed strange callouses and hard skin in places on my feet that would not normally be there had I not scratched so much at them.

2.) I pick at the pads of my fingers. I peel off my own skin. I don’t have fingerprints because of that. When I had to get fingerprinted to get my teaching job they just kind of looked at my print, looked at me, and shrugged and said okay.

A mild day for my fingers
A mild day for my fingers

3.) The mother of all self-destructive habits: I destroy my own scalp. I scratch and dig until I create large bloody craters on my head.

Here’s the kicker, guys: I’ve been doing all of these for as long as I can remember. Does that mean I’ve been mentally ill for my entire life and not known? Has anyone else known? Do these habits come from the same place as the urge to cut myself, or are they simply bad habits from childhood?

Musings on a Monday night….